Monju’s Problem Page

Monju Haque ::

Not Ready to Commit!!!
Me and my ex broke up because he doesn’t want to commit, but he does not want me to move on either; he wants me to wait around till he is ready. When we talk and meet up he tries to behave like everything’s okay. I have always gone out of my way to meet his demands and have even distanced myself from friends he disliked. I have also been forced to change the way I dress and rarely go out and am made to feel guilty when I do. I love him to bits but don’t know what to do. I don’t mind waiting if I know he will be ready to commit to me in the future but I am really scared that he may never be ready to commit. Should I wait until he is ready? 
Leah, 29, Isle of Dogs
Leah, it seems evident that you are always going out of your way to please this man and he is the one that has all the control in the relationship. No one should ever be able to tell you how you should and should not dress and they certainly should not be preventing you from seeing friends. Also why are you allowing this man to  have control over you? No one has the right to do that.
People often get love confused with attachment/falling into a routine, thus leaving them fearful of being alone. You need to believe in yourself and have the strength to stop this power and control that he has over you.
Obviously there are never any guarantees in life and sometimes we have to take chances and try to make things work through talking, listening and compromising with one another. You both need to sit down and discuss this, it is extremely unfair that he expects you to wait; you have to ask yourself whether you are willing to sacrifice your life, as it is possible that he will never be ready to commit.
You also need to ask yourself can you live the rest of you life with this man? Can you allow yourself to be controlled? No one can tell you what to do, but my advice to you would be that after compromise if you can’t get more balance in your relationship then walk away. Don’t settle for someone because you’re scared of being alone. When the time is right you will find the right person. I think it’s time you focused less on him and more on your self.

Led On or Confused?
After a long time I met a guy who was attractive and appeared to be considerate and understanding. We started spending a lot of time together as both of us had come out of difficult relationships and so had things that we could relate to. A few weeks into meeting he kissed me on a number of occasions and is always hugging and cuddling me. He also told me that he was getting attached to me and all of his actions showed that he liked me. I thought it was a dream come true that someone I found attractive and could relate to actually liked me back. Due to my own past experiences and needing clarity I decided to ask him what we were to each other, as his behaviour towards me was like I was his girlfriend. I was devastated when he told me that he liked me but not in that way and when I asked why he had kept making moves on me, he was unable to explain. He apologised for leading me on and stated that he was not ready for a relationship. He said that he really loved my company and did not want to lose me as a friend. I explained that I could offer him friendship and only friendship but if he ever made a move on me again I would never speak to him. Since then we have become the best of friends and he always makes time for me. He recently told me that he is going to live abroad permanently. I really like him and have developed feelings for him but due to his previous behaviour I treat him the same as any other friend. Should I tell him how I really feel?
Mariam, 29, Tower Hamlets
Mariam, this guy obviously adores you and enjoys your company. And it seems that you enjoy his company as well.  Sometimes it’s better to keep some people as your friends rather then expect anything more. But then again friendship is sometimes the best basis for a lasting relationship.
You can either choose not to say anything and live regretting it and thinking of all the possible what if’s? Or you can just tell him how you feel; I mean what’s the worst that can possibly happen? If after everything that has already happened you have both been able to maintain such a brilliant friendship, you should definitely have the confidence to open up and tell him how you feel.
You have to remember that you treat him as a friend, and in the past he was the one that made the moves, he is probably oblivious to the fact that you see him more then a friend. It’s even possible that he may have feelings for you but is afraid to share them. Even if he doesn’t at least you have had the opportunity to be honest about your feelings. If anything I truly believe that it will make your friendship stronger and you never know what the future holds.

Isolated, Bullied And Now Jobless
I have recently been sacked from my job of 9months. I passed my probation with flying colours and now I have been sacked and was told that it was due to me not meeting the standards. I am not sure what this means. I feel that this may be racially motivated as at times I have felt bullied and isolated by the new management. I really don’t know what to do?
Fateha, 25, Forest Gate, Newham
Fateha you stated that you felt that your dismissible was racially motivated, do you have any proof of this? This is an extremely serious matter and it’s important that you are able to prove it. You have also spoken of feeling isolated and bullied at work and this should not be taken lightly.
When an employer sacks and gives you a notice there are entitlements that she/he must give you. During your notice period you have the right to your normal pay and benefits. If your employer dismisses you for exercising or trying to exercise one of your statutory (legal) employment rights you will have been automatically unfairly dismissed.
If you have been unfairly dismissed you can make a claim to an Employment Tribunal for unfair dismissal.
Please check the unfair dismissible section under the employment page of the www.direct.gov.uk as it has some extremely helpful advice as to what is classified as unfair dismissible.

Abortion Yes or No?
I am a 22 year old Bengali girl; I have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend of two years. I recently found out that I am pregnant. I am so scared, I come from a strict Muslim family and my parents will kill me if they find out. My boyfriend is supportive and wants me to keep it. I really don’t know whether or not I should have an abortion?
Anon Begum, 22, London
Anon, only you can decide what to do. Sometimes parents are more understanding then you think; the bark is usually worse then the bite. You are very fortunate that your boyfriend is very supportive and the bonus is even though it’s an unplanned pregnancy you have both been together for sometime.
You both need to sit down together and see what you both want, don’t make a decision without thinking it through thoroughly as you don’t want to have any regrets. You can also attend a family planning meeting at your local clinic, or make an appointment with your GP who will be able to advise you further.

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Cheating, Lying Husband
I am a 40 year old woman who has struggled to bring up my three beautiful children with my lazy out of work husband. I work two jobs to support my family. My husband recently went to Bangladesh on holiday and came back only to tell me tat he had got married to a younger woman. This has totally devastated me and I feel embarrassed to go out as all my neighbours, friends and family know what he’s done. I want to humiliate him the way he has humiliated me. 
Mrs Khanom, East London
Mrs Khanom, I strongly believe that if your husband has had the audacity to behave like this then you should rethink his position within your family. He has not followed the moral rules of right or wrong and has shown no respect to you or your children. He sounds like an extremely selfish man who has become reliant on you to support him.
Even in Islam where it is permissible that a man can have up to four wives it is important that the man gets permission from the first wife, however that is irrelevant under British law. It is understandable that due to how you feel you want to get even but that’s not the way forward. You have to focus on the positive things in life and focus on your children and  yourself.
It’s important that whatever feelings you have towards your husband and his deceptive lying ways that this does not have an effect on your children. Which ever path you decide to take, you should always ensure that they have regular contact with their father.
Marital breakdown can have a detrimental effect on children and is devastating when they are used as weapons.

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