Philip: secret Brexit weapon?

THERE ARE unconfirmed reports that Prince Philip is to be sacrificed to the EU as part of the Brexit negotiations. The Prince has announced that he will retire from royal duties in the autumn, by which time he will have reached the age of 96 – and Brexit negotiations will be in full swing.

While the initial media response was to assume the retirement was age-related, it is now thought that the timing of these two events is no accident – and the Prince is being slowly withdrawn from the public eye so that no one will notice when he is shipped off to Brussels.

It is thought that the move to trade a major royal comes after Theresa May indicated that she was reluctant to part with hard cash to secure the UK’s exit from the EU Single Market. She was overheard explaining to a group of tourists gathered at the entrance to Downing Street that she’s not letting go of the UK’s strong and stable currency resources, but “royals? they can have ‘em – we have the spares. Once he’s stopped opening things and planting trees, what use is he to us anyway? I’ve got some chips coming – anyone seen Deliveroo?”

“The British people spoke during last year’s referendum,” said an unidentified spokesperson, “and they told us they didn’t want to be ruled by Europeans. We are going to have to surrender the Greek who married into our German royal family to put a definitive end to European interference.”

It is thought that Prince Philip’s background makes him an ideal sacrificial offering. “He is well in tune with most of the UKIP agenda,” said the spokesperson. “That will show Europe what we’re made of.”

Prince Philip’s most famous xenophobic sayings (sometimes referred to as “racist” by the lower classes) have been going on for years and include:
•At a meeting of the World Wildlife Fund in 1986:
“If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.”
•Speaking to British students during a state visit to China in 1986:
“If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.”
•Speaking to a British person during a visit to Hungary in 1993:
“You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.”
•Speaking in 1998 to a student who had been visiting Papua New Guinea:
“You managed not to get eaten, then?”
•During a visit to Australia in 2002, speaking to a businessperson of aboriginal heritage:
“Do you still throw spears at each other?”
•Speaking to a Filipino nurse during a visit to Luton Hospital in 2013:
“The Philippines must be half empty as you’re all here running the NHS.”

Prince Philip has not ignored the Indian subcontinent in his public musings. At a reception for British Indians during 2009, he was introduced to a Mr Atul Patel and commented, “There’s a lot of your family in tonight.” Royal watchers will also recall the Prince’s response to seeing an old style electrical fusebox in a Scottish factory in 1999: “It looks as if it was put in by an Indian.”

He has also shown a complete lack of understanding of domestic policy, such as his response to calls for firerms bans after 16 children and a schoolteacher were murdered by a gunman in Dunblane: “If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?” He also subjected a blind woman whom he met in Exeter in 2002 to his famous sense of humour saying “Do you know they’re now producing eating dogs for anorexics?”

Other Royals have recently been taking part in a general campaign to talk more openly about mental health. Prince Philip brought this issue into the public arena as long go as 1995, when he responded to reports that service personnel were being offered post-combat counselling by pointing out that in the Second World War, “We didn’t have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking ‘Are you all right? Are you sure you don’t have a ghastly problem?’ You just got on with it.”

“See what I mean? He’s ideal.” concluded the spokesperson. “We’re going to lose all our MEPs in this Brexit thingy. That means we get Nigel Farage back. It’s only fair we send them Prince Philip in return.”

[Adverts]